Ciaossu,

The past few weeks has been fraught with emotion. Somehow, it seems that I am failing at whatever I do, whether it's school work or people relations.

I messaged a friend I hadn't texted for a few months earlier in the week only to find out she had left school and was preparing to leave for Norway to continue her education. Turned out she had known about long ago but she hadn't told me. The moment I found out, tears involuntarily started flowing from my eyes. I don't know if it was the shock that this friend was leaving or if it was the anger I had for myself for not contacting her earlier that made me cry. I just felt like such a horrible friend. I had always assumed there would be future chances to catch up with her in future. It had never struck me that she would be leaving the country as early as August. I felt so guilty for being so caught up in my own life I placed our friendship second to the friendship I had with my other close friends. There is no more time. The decision has been made and no matter how much I wish for her to stay, I know she will be happy in Norway as she continues to chase her dreams. The most I can do now is to spend as much time as I can with her.

Thinking back, we really don't know each other for a very long time and I'm so afraid that we won't have the chance to be even closer friends before she flies. I'm so worried that she will leave before I have the chance to be a good friend to her:( I surprised myself with my tears. We aren't very close and we hadn't been close for a while. I wonder why I cried. If it were me in the past, I think I would just have congratulated her and that would be it. I guess I have realized how precious my youth is and right now, I just want to forge as many strong friendships as possible, friendships that can brave through the storms and last a lifetime.

Another reason for my emotional state. Boys. I think being in a girls' school for 4 years has resulted in my inability to understand the adverse change they have undergone in the 4 long years they were placed in a boys' school. They have developed far beyond what I would expect in the past 4 years. I can't treat them the way I treated all the guys back in primary school. I feel stupid for taking so long to realize. I guess their raging hormones had been suppressed to their limit in the boys' school and now that girls are back in the house, they are relishing the moment to finally let their innate desires flow. An adult once warned me that girls and guys have very complicated relationships in JC. I guess that's true. There're all types of couples are everywhere. People fall in "love" way too easily since many came from single-sex schools.

I guess I can't be so overly-friendly with guys anymore. They tend to misunderstand my intentions. It seems that the harder I try to meet their emotional needs, the deeper they fall and somehow, it becomes so difficult for them to be "just a friend". They want something more. Maybe it's my fault. I should have drawn a line from the start. I think I'm not firm enough. One of my mentors told me guys need tough rejections so they'll grow up and realize that when girls treats a guy nice, they have no obligation to like the guy more than a friend. The problem with me, when a guy treats me really nice, and we end up being really close friends, when they want to take it a step further, I really don't have a heart to reject them so heartlessly. Maybe that's what's hurting them most, what's hurting my friendships with them. Dear God, please tell me what to do. I treasure them as friends so so much. It's heart-wrenching to see them drift away as I painstakingly draw the line after finding out.

Recently I hurt my friend pretty bad. My fickleness really threw him into this emotional roller coaster and gave him many sleepless nights. He's a dear friend to me and I think my heart totally broke when he told me what I did had given him so much pain. Never. I never wished to bring such feelings to someone close to me. It just dawned on me that maybe everyone would be better off if they hadn't met me. Maybe that's true. No one will ever know since we have already been brought together and been given the chance to impact each others' lives somehow. Now we're not talking for a while. I just hope the hurt will heal and I'll handle my friendships better in future.

Yesterday I went for church service. It's been a while. I realized how much I missed worshipping in God's house. It was a special day. I met someone I hadn't seen a while and though I don't think he saw me, my heart was comforted to see he was doing okay. The message yesterday during church service was powerful. John C. Maxwell, Bill Gate's mentor, preached about the significance of God in our lives. Even if we don't understand His mighty plan for us, we should trust Him.I learnt 5 important lessons yesterday and I felt God really spoke to me regarding my self esteem issues last night. Thank God He brought me into his house. Thinking about it, I never belonged here but He made me belong.

Over the past few years, I feel that the meaning of the thing people call "sincerity" has eroded. As I climb higher up on the academic ladder, the feeling of the loss of sincerity in this society gets stronger and stronger. Everyone is in a relationship to gain something. There is no such thing as "sincerity" or a true love for people. When I place absolute trust in another human being, people doubt my decision and warn me about the possibility of getting hurt. To me, that doesn't mean anything. Getting hurt, yes it doesn't feel nice. No one goes into a relationship/friendship to get hurt. I find it sad that we humans are so worried to get hurt, because in the process, we lose the most important thing in life: The chance to experience the most beautiful feeling in the world, LOVE.

It is human nature to doubt others, but if we can learn to trust others, we can help others learn to trust too. That's one important lesson I learnt from Fruits Basket anime. Deep down I feel that all humans were made for relationship. It is part of our core existence. Maybe deep down everyone would desire a more sincere world with less deception. Yet because of what is evident in the world today, many have lost faith in the so-called righteousness of human beings. Humans might let you down but God will never let you down. I believe so and because of that, I can continue believing in the human population.

I've been torn internally by one more thing. My best friend, my sister. She hasn't attended school for almost 2 weeks. She's perfectly healthy but her mood swings have reached a whole new level. When she's in a good mood, everything seems to be going awesome. Yet when she's really down, things can get really bad. I really wonder if she knows just how much all the people around her love her. Her parents seem to have been trying so hard to give her the help she needs. Me and her other close friends, we've been trying all we can to encourage her and support her. Yet deep down all of us know, if she refuses to come around and accept our help, nothing's going to change.

Her reluctance to let us into her world has made it all the more difficult for us to understand what exactly she is facing that is stopping her from going to school. It is so difficult to watch her slip further and further away with each passing day. Recently she told me of her wish to quit school. I really don't know what to say. Ultimately it is a choice she and her parents have to make but somehow I always have this belief that she hasn't reached that extent where quitting school is the only way to solve all the problems she is facing now. Maybe I feel that way because of my selfish wish to keep my close friend near me. Either way I just want her to know how much I love her and how much all the people around her love her. I really hope she comes around soon.

Really sorry for such a long and boring post about the recent events on my life. I just need to let out some steam so pardon me. Change is difficult in life and I really hope that God will be with me in this difficult time. I acknowledge my weaknesses and I really hope to become a better person in future.

Lots of love,
Elizabeth

Ciaossu,

久しぶりだよね。Life has been rather crazy recently. JC kicked off badly for me. I've been failing many tests and somehow I feel like a failure in terms of personal relationships. I am pleasantly surprised however, by the amount of love one is able to give to another.

God has reminded me during this tough, stressful period of just how blessed I am. Yes, life has not been going the way I'd planned. I'm not doing well academically, neither have I found my motivation to study. Yet, I still have things that I can rejoice in. I've watched a few close friends slip away with all the stress. They're on the verge of giving up and I can't do anything. It seriously breaks my heart to watch them give up hope like that.

For weeks, I thought I had reached my limit with all the problems in life. Friendship, academics, people relations. I thought I was handling everything so badly while everyone else seemed to be coping fine. I'm so glad God reminded me, I am okay. I'm able to get through all this. A friend who had drifted away from me these few months called me last night and we had a very very deep conversation that lasted 3 hours. I'm so glad that after so many weeks, my friend finally opened up to me. I thought all along that he was okay since whenever I asked him if he was, he always told me everything was fine even though that wasn't the truth. I'm so glad that our friendship didn't reach the point of no return. Yesterday, I finally realised, under that tough exterior, a very sensitive heart was hidden. I felt so stupid that it took me so long to realize that he and I were drifting apart, and that when he needed a listening ear, I wasn't there. I felt so upset upon finding out that he had never been okay but that I had kept assuming he was. When the bubble finally burst, I was so relieved. For the first time in months, I felt close to that friend again.

After that phone call that drained me both mentally and emotionally, I prayed for my friend for God knows how long. How long had he been suffering that lone battle without telling me. I felt so guilty for not being there for him all this while. I really hope it's not too late to make amends and I'm so glad that I managed to seek him out in time. The fragility of a human heart really awakened me last night. Seemingly strong people might have issues they never share with others. I'm so glad that he could at least share such intimate feelings with me.

Sometimes I wonder if I can really do a good job as a listening ear, a confidante. Maybe I'm not qualified. However with God, I really will try my best! I'm optimistic today, knowing that my friend can still count on me as his listening ear in times of sorrow and despair. I might not be the best person but as long as he can trust me, I'll try my best to always be there for him.

School stress has taken its toll on many of us. I know that I have not seen the end of such friendship issues but I hope that as I experience these, I will slowly mature and be able to handle such problems more efficiently in future. Life is about learning after all and I hope the Lord shall guide me through all these tough times and He shall guide my friends too:) I trust in Him and I sincerely hope that when all else fails, my friends will put their trust in Him too. May the Lord be with them and with me always.

Lots of love,
Elizabeth

PS: If you haven't talked to a certain friend for a long time, you should. You might get a pleasant surprise:)

Ciaossu,

Just a short post today. Recently, I feel I haven't handled life well:( I've let down many who are dear to me and made some stupid mistakes. Still, I'm so blessed that the people I've hurt in some ways/another have not forsaken me and have chosen to accept my flaws.

God, really, Bless these people. Because of them, I have faith in the goodness of this world and I'm eternally grateful to you for allowing me to meet them. Though I was just a stranger who didn't deserve such grace and mercy, thank you for bringing me into your house and accepting me for who I am. Words can't describe how grateful I am. Pray bless them abundantly and above all else, I love them from the bottom of my heart.

To those I've offended/let down in one way or another, I sincerely apologise. Lord, I pray for your guidance. Humble me Father and let me never hurt them again. Guide me and be with me as I make amends Father. I commit my life into your hands, never again shall I stray away from your kingdom. Thank you, during the darker periods of my life you've appeared and set things rights again. What am I without you. I love you so so soooo much...

Though I never deserved such love, you have shown me the most beautiful side of your love, and of your people. I thank you Father, I love you and I love your people. Though I'm so inadequate, please keep guiding me and using me actively to glorify your kingdom. I love you so much...I'm so sorry if I disappointed you T.T Your body was broken for me but I forgot, your blood shed for me, but I forgot. Forgive me Father, thank you for accepting my love although it is so inadequate, I love you. In Jesus's precious name I pray, Amen.

Lots of Love,
Elizabeth

PS: Because of you I will never lose HOPE. Thank you for all that you have done for me.

Ciaossu,

Hey people:D It's been a long time since I last posted. JC life has been really hectic recently with all the tutorials, class tests, lecture tests, cca, etc. Frankly, I don't think I've been doing very well since I've failed almost everything but I remain optimistic^^ I'm slowly catching up with my classmates in terms of tutorials and I hoope for a fresh start in this new term.

Well anyway, God has blessed me tremendously so far. Though life is a little stressful, I still have enough energy to face each day^^ God has given me a beautiful group of close friends who fill me spiritually and help me cope better in life. Even though my knee injury from valentine's has still not recovered, my injured knee has shown me the beauty of friendship in various ways. My knee has given me numerous blessings and I'm really touched by all the love my friends have shown to me during such a trying period. I'm really sorry for being a burden to all of you beautiful people^^ Special thanks to Clarissa, for being the 1st person there when I first got the injury, Chappy, for always being there throughout and giving me so much encouragement and support and for praying for me, Kun Siang, for always being there to lend a helping hand when I lost my balance/when my knee gave way and Nicholas, for praying for me and being a great company, making sure I got to the mrt safely. I'm truly blessed that God put people like you in my life. I really really hope my knee is nothing serious and I'll recuperate soon so that you'll be able to see me run around again^^

Well enough about that knee. JC life has finally settled down. Recent updates, I changed class late last term. I'm in 12S70 now, the BCMKI/triple science class. Frankly, I feel really inadequate in terms of intellect since everyone seems so far ahead of me. My class is just too smart but thank God, I am not that demoralised since ultimately, we're all preparing for the same A level paper. I will continue working hard though^^ Sadly, I changed faculties too, so after being a part of Apollo's Glory in winning the faculty shield, I have migrated to Ares:( The people of Ares are generally awesome though and I'm really blessed since I've made many new friends. I made a new friend in my class too:D He has the same surname as me and we're in the same cca^^

Anyway, tomorrow is finally Easter Service^^ haha, during periods of the year like this, I really miss KinderSurprise chocolate eggs though they are no longer available in the market. Those choco eggs were one of the most memorable childhood snacks:) well, I have great hopes for Easter this year. For the first time, I managed to invite 2 new friends to church +1 bestie of mine:D I'm so excited about being able to introduce them to my cell group since I haven't fellowshipped with them in a while. I'm so excited just thinking about tomorrow and I wish for great things to happen tomorrow^^

God has been really active in my life recently. HC yfc ministry organises prayer meetings every Thursday morning and I have learnt a lot about others as well as grown spiritually. I'm now slightly more confident of praying out loud in a group even though I still get real nervous at times. However, I'll keep believing and keep praying for the day I can pray confidently in front of others. Even if I am able to achieve that one day, I still hope to keep the most part of my relationship with Him personal^^ God has given me many trials during this 3 months and I must say there were tears and heartbreak, but because of Him, I have managed to triumph these negative feelings and turned them into beautiful memories of my growing process. I have been finding it hard to cope emotionally due to the many people in my life with different needs, however with God I've been able to manage them so far and I'll keep believing in His glory, that His will will come to pass and the people who are suffering/in depression/hopelessness/etc will walk out of their deep abyss of darkness and triumph over it all, growing spiritually stronger in the process.

On Thursday evening, I had my first shot at Evangelism. I must say it was an interesting experience and though I was a "noob", I think my first evangelism went pretty well. There are really nice and patient people in this world and I'm so glad I met one of them yesterday. It was a senior I hadn't talked to before and he just listened patiently as I shared about the gospel before joining in with many questions and his personal thoughts. I'm so surprised that he would be so patient and I'm really thankful to God for making the Easter Flash Mob such a success! I really hope more people will be saved in Jesus's name:) His love is so great and He gives it free to everyone, we have nothing to lose by accepting His love. I really wish for all those who have lost hope in life to be able to take off the glasses that cloud their eyes and see God. It's really the most beautiful thing anyone could possibly possess, the love of God.

A friend ever asked me where he could find happiness. I feel that happiness is all around, but you need special glasses to see it. Think about it this way, even being alive and able to feel, no matter whether its joy/pain, is already a great blessing by itself. Similarly, as long as you believe in such a simple form of happiness and don't try to critically form a theory for happiness, I believe it is all around. To possess such special 'happiness' glasses, you gotta have faith in God and the rest will come naturally.

Recently, quite a few of my friends have been having family problems. They all revolve around the same thing, a lack of quality time and outward expression of love gestures. I feel that it is really important for a family to spend enough time with one another since the physical presence of each and every member has a great effect on how well the family can understand each other. Similarly, small gestures like an "I love you" text msg to your mum has great effect in family bonding. I've been guilty of getting a bit too close to my friends and neglecting my family during this period of time but for now at least I've noticed the problem and have been trying to rectify it by going home earlier and spending more time with them. My parents love me a lot and I'm so blessed to have the chance to be their child. Yes, like every other family there have always been the occasional argument that caused unhappiness, but I'm so glad that my family has never let a single argument go unresolved. They have been awesome enough to lend me to bother about what I have to say and I'm ever so grateful. My parents are such lovely people and I really hope they get to know God too, one day...

Wow I've talked a lot today:S Hope you all haven't gotten bored with me. What I'd like to end off with is that happiness is all around, God is happiness, and He is all around:D For all those out there who feel like God's love isn't true/doesn't exist or if you have lost faith in the world in general, don't LOSE HOPE! Don't let humanity affect your faith. People might tear you down but God would never let you down!! Just remember someone somewhere have been praying for you;) Every cloud has a silver lining and maybe one has a rainbow:D Just keep believing!!

Lots of Love,
Elizabeth^^

PS: God bless all of you:) Happy Easter^^

Ciaossu,

Hello people! Life's been great recently:D I've been so sooooooooo blessed this period of time. Well anyway, orientation ended weeks ago and proper lessons finally started! I changed my combination recently and in the process, changed classes as well. But by the grace of God, not only did I forge new friendships with my new classmates, I even widened my social circle since I now know 2 classes of people instead of just 1:D

My people relations have never been greater and God just keeps sending all the blessings! I sprained my knee on valentines' day this year. However, all the love I receive from God and everyone around me not only on the special day, but all my days are really more than enough for me to forget the physical pain of my poor knee. Even though I had gotten injured, I was never alone. My true friends were always happy to help and I really feel so blessed by their kindness=) Really got to treat every single one of them to gelato one day^^

On valentines', I received a rather special list of gifts. Besides the usual chocolates and sweets from school mates, I received a knee guard and a red tulip (my favourite flower). It was a valentine's like no other, but at the same time, it was the most significant valentine's day of my life so far. I truly had an awesome day despite the knee injury.

God shows his grace in many ways. I always felt that I didn't fit in well with big groups. However God has blessed me with true friends and together, for the first time...I feel like I truly belong:)I had problems adjusting to the extended hours of the JC timetable but with the love and support of all of these people in my life, I must say I have adjusted quite well to the schedule. This is especially amazing since I changed classes just last wednesday (super late subject combi change) and yet I feel right at home with my new class:D yet I still keep in contact with my old one:) God has answered my prayers, exceeding all my expectations in doing so. Last year, I wished for more friends and this has come to pass^^ Not only do I have more friends, I have more close friends than ever^^ Life is awesome^^

I'm also really blessed since I decided to change my combination at such a late period of time. The reason I made such a late decision is due to the fact that I recently met the K&I teacher randomly during lunch break and we happened to talk. He remembered me from the introductory lectures we had before the actual term started and he decided to re-look at my selection test script. Well anyway I'm so blessed that they decided I had some K&I potential in me after all and helped me explain things to the deputy principal. I didn't know changing my combination so late was even possible but God proved me wrong:) At first the deputy principal told me I had to drop biology to take K&I since there were no other B,K&I classes left. However I had absolute faith that God would send his miracle and He did! I managed to find a class all by myself and the deputy principal realised he had overlooked that there was an empty slot in this particular class. The transfer took immediate effect and I changed classes that day^^ God is Great=) Not only did I get my dream JC course, I adapted well to the new schedule, new timetable and new class. He really looked after all the aspects of the transfer^^

By the way,forgetting the boring School stuff, have you realised that there have been many miracles in the sky lately? Recently on my way home, I've seen many beautiful phenomenons. Who cares what science tells me though I'm a science student:D There wouldn't be science or scientific miracles if God hadn't created them. I saw a rainbow coloring a cloud for the first time in my life even though there hadn't been rain for many days. It was so beautiful~

Anyways this has been a really long blog post. Hope I didn't bore all you readers out. What I really want to say from posting about all this is that God is real. And He loves you~ I know its hard to believe but I feel it so sooo strongly^^ I'm really grateful that I have Him in my life. Life grew so empty to a point in sec 2 year that I thought getting a bf would boost my self-esteem. Now I'm older and wiser:) Friends have told me that my first blog post is totally world's apart from the ones I started posting after getting to know God. God transforms lives and He can create miracles as long as you're willing to believe. Keep the faith strong and always have HOPE~

Lots of Love,
Elizabeth

PS: God bless everyone who has taken time to read my posts. Though they might be insignificant details about my everyday life, you have blessed me and added value to my posts with all of your positive comments:) God Bless you!!!

Ciaossu,
Heya people:D It's been a while. Recently life has been pretty great! The friend that I lost came back, I made new friends in JC and I got to know more about a friend I only got to know recently.

Orientation with my orientation group ended on Friday and I must say I made quite a lot of friends within the short span of one week. While the orientation games weren't all that fun, they did help us bond better as a group. However nothing beats FOOD when it comes to bonding:) Orientation group dinners really helped to break the ice of awkwardness between all of us and while our group might not be the most enthusiastic, I feel that we had the most opportunities for proper communication (getting to know each other better at a personal level). Though I missed the last day of orientation with my OG but I definitely won't miss the next orientation group outing!!

Well besides making many new friends, I got to keep old ones. The one I had got into an argument with apologised to me face-to-face. This really touched my heart and even though I had long forgiven him, I was still really surprised he did that instead of just texting his apology. I guess that's one thing I can learn from him if I ever want to sincerely apologise to someone. Kids in my generation hardly take apologies seriously and I think that's something precious that we should retain! Such traditions are the ones worth keeping:)

Well, in any argument both parties are always at fault. Thinking back, I ought to have apologised properly to him as well. Ah wells~ I guess I have to make it up to him in some other way then since I missed my chance. Anyway, my point in sharing this is in response to my previous post. I really want to let everyone know that miracles do exist. Though that friend of mine said really nasty stuff but forgiveness is a magical thing! I'm glad I believed in God and that he didn't mean what he said in his fit of anger. Or else I would have lost a really valuable friend^^ Get rid of the sadness and anger and replace it with hope and love...You'll really gain many more beautiful things=)

I'm really glad I chose to forgive and forget all the bad stuff that happened. It would have been a real loss for me if I had chosen pride over friendship. I'm glad I made the right choices:D God is great all the time and I'm so glad he is always so patient when he listens to my prayers^^ I'm so blessed!! Really, keep believing in HOPE and never lose faith in Him^^

Lots of Love,
Elizabeth~

PS: Don't Stop Believing!

Ciaossu,

It's been a while since I posted. Recently life has been pretty crazy. JC Orientation started today, I made new friends but at the same time I'm struggling with the loss of another. Losing a friend is really a horrible, dreadful feeling, like a piece of your flesh got ripped off from your body.

The friend I lost, (though we don't know each other very well), has had a huge impact on my life and really brought me lots of reasons to smile. I really wish I could turn back time...Re-look at what went wrong and make corrections. Right now, I'm really not in the mood for socializing and orientation. Knowing I let that particular friend down...I feel terrible and unworthy to make new friends. I wanted to be his 'light', but I guess I over-calculated the current and blew the bulb...sigh...

In this blog post all I want to do is to let my friend know just how important he is to me. I might have been harsh, but I never did it with any intention to disrespect or demean him. Rejecting his calls wasn't meant to be rude..I just really needed some quiet time...Maybe I could have handled that matter in a better way but at that particular moment, I just didn't want to talk:( I know that whatever I say now can't change the words that have already been exchanged, but I really really wish there will be another chance to become friends again..

Frankly I am tired by what's been happening...Making up, arguing, making up, arguing...what a vicious cycle. I really don't know how much more I can take. Yet I still don't want to give up on this friend of mine. Currently, at this very moment, it still ain't the right time to patch things up but I really hope that in future, when the violent wave has died down.. Forgiveness will prevail and we can still be friends. It might seem impossible at the moment but I still choose to believe that this shall be made possible.

For those who have lost a friend, please believe "Time Heals All". If that friend was very dear to you, don't ever lose hope in him/her. I had previous friends I lost who did come back to me, and our friendship grew even stronger than before. For now, I can only hope this one does the same. No matter how long it takes, it will be worth it.

Lots of Love,
Elizabeth

PS: Just wish for a peaceful and calm heart...Though the sadness will not go away, at least having such a heart can minimize its damage on my soul~ Keep praying~